Lucien's Lil Nook

My nights cradle the fears creeping in from the deepest voids of my mind. I often get lost, walking along dark roads and endless pathways that lead to my most forgotten memories. The journals I had scrawled seemingly useless thoughts in, make me relive memories that I had long lost to the numbness I abused for peace. And at my bedroom window, the sunless sky illuminating nothing, I read, write, parse and flip through pages of black and blue ink, stepping on invisible bruises, just to know I’m still tangible.

I’m still awake by the time the sun rises, and the guilt starts to settle. I’ve failed once again to allow myself to enjoy a full nights rest. The debt accrues, and I feel it in the beat of my heart, racing to keep me alive with nothing but crumbs to fuel itself. I glance to my partner, sleeping soundly in his bed. I envy him. He doesn’t have to listen to the multitude of voices reminding me of the laundry that remains damp in the dryer, the shower I can’t bring myself to step into, the texts I’ve forgotten to send.

I step outside, cigarette in hand, and watch as the darkness fades into new light. I take a breath, inhaling the aroma of morning dew and cut grass. The birds chatter, giving their greeting to the world, but I picture mother nature laughing.

As the smoke leaves my lips, the sun warming my skin, I start to wonder if I have to see the sun rise. I’ve survived another day, seen it with both my eyes, and my mind can finally rest. The half-smoked cigarette spreads hot ash across my porch, and I head back inside. I curl beside my partner, who groans in delight at my arrival to bed, and my mind succumbs, letting itself fall into a temporary, but inevitable, death.